QUESTION: Naturally, my husband and I grieve very differently. He doesn’t want to talk about it and it is healing for me to talk, remember, and process my thoughts and emotions to turn to hope and gratitude. He feels like I have violated his trust and our confidence by over sharing with my closest friends. Because the deaths involve homicide and suicide, he thinks it places a burden on others to share that horrible outcome and he wants us to just evade the questions about causes of death and keep it private. There are times with casual acquaintances or strangers that I’ve been vague, but it’s not in my nature to not answer someone truthfully. I also find such support and inspiration from others that have experienced similar pain. How do I respect my husband’s desire for me to not share and to respect my need to heal in ways that resonate with me? I’m sure others have faced similar situations with answering someone’s common question about how many children or grandchildren they have and then the follow up question of what are their ages and where each one lives and is doing … I’ve tried answering briefly that two are in heaven and moving on, but then there are more questions. It doesn’t feel right to not acknowledge them as a integral, beloved part of our family. ANSWER: You have good awareness that you are grieving differently and that it's ok to grieve differently. Your awareness and acceptance of this reality is serving you and helping you avoid the additional pain of thinking that either of you are 'doing it wrong.' Also, there's no right or wrong about how to share with others, it's just different opinions. It's so normal to have different feelings and reactions to our experiences but that can also create conflict which is what you're experiencing. You are clearly a loving and compassionate person and so it hurts when you perceive that your response is hurting him. Please remember that regardless of what you choose to do he is going to be hurting and his response to what you're doing is likely in some part a result of the internal pain and conflict that he's feeling. You also have a healthy dose of awareness regarding your needs and fulfilling your need to process through sharing. My immediate thought is what Stephen Covey said, "seek first to understand, then to be understood." What questions could you ask your husband to more fully understand his feelings? How could you sit with his feelings in full compassion and without judgement? There's no doubt that you've been doing this but in what ways could you better understand his point of view? Also, recognize that all of your and his emotions are clouded by grief and trauma which interferes with problem solving which is why we have the common advice of not making major decisions after a loss. Because we're not robots, emotions are messy and confusing and sometimes utterly frustrating. You will both feel very triggered during this time of mourning and grief. Let go of doing this perfectly. There is not a perfect way to fulfill both of your needs. Homicide and suicide is very tricky for most people to process. For years after my brother died by suicide, when asked about his death, our family often answered that he died in an accident. We didn't make a conscious decision to answer that way but that's what felt more comfortable. As I became more adjusted to understanding my thoughts and feelings about the cause of his death I answered the question directly. Perhaps you could agree to limit your sharing to just a couple of close friends for a time. Perhaps you could look for other ways to express your grief. Journaling would likely be an excellent outlet for you in addition to talking to others. Maybe find other safe places to share that are less connected to your husband, like a grief FB group, here on a live coaching call or one-on-one work. In this way you are creating compromise so that your needs are met and his are too. Alternatively, you can decide that you're happy with the way you are doing things, you continue to share openly and at the same time you express compassion for your husband's concerns. It's a choice and you get to choose. If you have further questions about this, please submit a follow up question or join a coaching call. Sending lots of love!

QUESTION: My loss is still so fresh and raw. Only six months ago. Photos that pop up on my phone or I stumble across take my breath away and I have to look away. I'm sure its different for everyone, but when does it become easier to see photos and for the photos and videos to someday be joyful to see? What can I do to move towards that? ANSWER: It is so fresh and raw. The photos are a continuous reminder of a painful event and what you’ve lost. The loss includes not only their presence now but everything that you hoped for their future. Painful triggers are simply indicators that there is more healing to be done. Your healing takes time and effort. As you mentioned everyone is different and there is not a set timeline to say this is when things will get better or easier. In the meantime, check in with yourself and face the pictures and videos as you are comfortable while also accepting that these pictures sometimes pop up and can’t always be avoided. Your acknowledgement that someday you will be able to view those photos and videos with joy is powerful. That recognition helps you to look forward to a day of less pain and more joy. Comfort yourself now with the thought that ‘it’s ok that it’s painful to see these photos now. I look forward to the day when I can see the joy in these photos again.’ As you continue to heal, in time you will naturally be able to look back on happy memories, photos and videos and once again remember the happiness without it automatically triggering pain. I invite you to hold on to that assurance while you’re healing.

QUESTION: Hello. On the 21st of this month it will be the 1 year Anniversary of having my stillborn son at 38 weeks. I’m nervous for the day to come because I’m not sure how to treat the day. I feel like I want to do something special, but then I also don’t want to do too much. I’m not sure what kind of emotions I will feel & I just want it to be a good/special day, but not sure how to do that. I would just like some guidance with that please. ANSWER: Anniversaries can be a challenge because, like you said, you want it to be good and special but you're not sure what emotions you'll face that day. As you plan for the day, consider ways to honor your baby AND take care of yourself. Be careful to not overschedule the day so there's enough space and flexibility to be with the emotions that show up. Check in with others that may have thoughts about the way you spend the day too. Sometimes I want something a certain way but my husband may not be comfortable with what I want and so the day comes and I'm disappointed. If we communicate before the day arrives things go more smoothly. It's easy to let expectations get the best of you. Be gentle and relaxed with the expectations, allow the emotions and choose ways to honor your baby that don't require a ton of energy, especially if your energy is low as it often is when grieving. Remember whatever you choose to do is good and special.

QUESTION: You spoke on the example of the woman who lost her husband and he didn't provide for her the way she thought he should. So she was dealing with the grief of loss plus the thought that her husband did not love her. You explained to her that he did love her and she was just looking at the wrong view. You encouraged us to ask questions...I need to re-think my give up attitude but I'm stuck and I'm very frightened. I have been stuck for years and have tried all I know to do. How do I re-think my situations? I always think about others and their lives and it is exhausting, I don't have any energy for me. Most family members and peers are comfortable, have had very little drama or trauma and they live almost stress free and enjoy their lives while I can barely make it day by day. I have huge comparison issues with other family members and childhood friends/brother and sister I grew up with. I have a 36 year old son that is not responsible and he lives near me and takes all of my energy. Also very important to note, I come from a church background and raised my children in church so I am doubly tormented. I had a meltdown in front of my son a few years ago because I just couldn't take him not being a dependable man with a job ect... I don't know what to do but just give up unless I can get some direction from a reliable caring person. I need new ways of thinking of my grief from the loss of my son, two divorces and being raised in an orphanage with about 150 children. I also have CPTSD. I need some fast relief and sound advice. Any ideas? Thank you very much for listening.  ANSWER: Feeling better is definitely a process over time and a series of choices. In the example of the woman who thought her husband didn't love her I was asking her to consider that maybe he did love her and he made the decisions he did based on something else, not necessarily that he didn't care. When we decide what something means we look for evidence. It helps to look for evidence of good. When you think of a specific situation, can you question some of your painful conclusions about the situation? Can you neutralize them a little? Is there a different way of thinking about it? Also, daily positive input is key to feeling better over time. What can you choose to do to put some positive thoughts into your mind first thing in the morning? Here are some ideas: uplifting music, affirmations (you can find recordings on youtube to listen to), meditation, uplifting reading. Also, adding some uplifting thoughts just before you go to sleep can help as well. Start practicing the thought, "I am healing" and you will start to see ways that you can heal and evidence of your healing. These spaces between sleeping and wakefulness are helpful places to add positive energy to boost your subconscious thinking, which is our programming.